Overheard...

I honestly thought you couldn’t beat travelling by public transport for the best overheard comments – however I have discovered a much richer source – waiting rooms – if only for the sheer volume of overheardness, and the fact that people have, apparently, no qualms about talking quite loudly about medical matters, and most other aspects of their lives.

Two hours in a hospital waiting room – and there was a rich harvest to be gathered! A puzzle book and pen in hand provided somewhere to record the gems. So much better than trying to remember them. I can’t tell you how annoying it is to know that I have heard an absolute classic – but sadly the details have completely escaped me by the time I’ve got the opportunity to write it down. Also, as it was a puzzle book, rather than a note book, I looked like someone doing puzzles to kill time, rather than a psycho nosey so-and-so that occasionally smirks and writes in a notebook!

To be honest though, it was a while before there were any overheard comments worth writing down. This was mainly because it was quiet when we arrived – and empty enough for us to get a table at which to sit. And our first amusement was not overheard comments at all – it was mishearing of people’s names. I’ve been fascinated by names ever since I was standing in a hospital queue, many years ago, when a receptionist suddenly bellowed across to her colleagues “Has anyone seen the notes for Mavis Davies?” – so I do tend to listen out for a good name!

The problem was, I think, when someone calls a patient, you are inevitably listening out for your own name, so you don’t necessarily catch what’s said when it isn’t your name. But from the first name that was called “Don Simmonds” we were hooked. You are probably thinking Don Simmonds isn’t particularly remarkable or funny – but this was an ante-natal clinic. “Don??” We said, at the same time, and looked at each other, confused!

Then suddenly a voice called “Lucifer Igglepit” and we were hooked. We wrote it down. The names came thick and fast then… Manilla Foundry; Tracy Prompt; Sophie He; Rebecca Kibble; Lady Diana…

Then a woman popped her head out of a door, and called, “Mandy the Whore” – well that’s definitely what it sounded like to us.

Then.. Sinita Go Home; Chris and Debbie; Bareen Kareen; Mandy Corr; Barbara Jewman (or Dulan); Miska Bevin; Jeanette Leo; Krishna Devi; Shilaka B.B.

Then, possibly my favourite… Natalie Cock-a-Towbar!

Louise Carb; Emily Goose (or Beverley Gooch); Dorothy Heathplease; and finally... Giraffetty!

Then a loud family arrived and sat within overhearing distance of our table. To be fair they were so loud we would have been within overhearing distance had our table been right over the other side of the room, or indeed, in the carpark. There were several generations of women sitting together discussing names of the forthcoming “babby”. They couldn’t decide on calling him "Demari Sean Patrick Kian" or "Demari Sean Kian Patrick" – but then “I might call him Terry… after our Terry.”

Here’s just a few overheard comments from their extremely varied and rambling conversation:

“It’s white chocolate AND brown chocolate – I’ll eat it!”

“There’s also these see through ones with the liquid inside, but them’s 35 quid!”

“We call her Sumo, with her rolls of fat.”

(wistfully) “Her hair’s all driplets.”

“…coughing and spluttering, and weeing herself…”

“It hurt’s that does – I had to do it four times a day – it friggin’ hurts.”

I’m so looking forward to the next visit. Must remember my puzzle book and pen!